Who Needs Friends When You've Got Dead Authors?

People as me how it is that I have such great relationships with famous and often dead authors; many think the answer is found only after computing a complex algorithm containing many variables. But really it's quite simple, I even wrote a book about it back in 1836.

Here are a few excerpts:

From Chapter 1: "Dead" is just a state of mind, usually the state of your mind, while these "dead" authors prefer to consider themselves very much alive. Once you can accept that they are never truly dead (as long as their work lives on and all that junk) then you'll be more likely to be comfortable striking up a conversation with one such author.

From Chapter 2: Read the author's work. Nothing impresses them more. Luckily I went to a public school where they forced me (usually while kicking and screaming) to read these authors and once you know their work it's less awkward talking to them at meetups or on the street corner (unless either of you are currently moonlighting as hookers, then it's still awkward).

From Chapter 6: Have your own ideas and opinions. Authors love stealing these even if they are not currently publishing; one never knows when one will be on top of the world again and when they'll have to use someone else's work and ideas to keep their seat as the king of the publishing mountain.

From Chapter 9: Always be approachable. Along with the concept of ridding yourself of the notion of "death" or "dead" authors, you must also be ready to be approached by one of these authors and be ready for a friendship. These people are very particular, lonely and needy, if you seek them out they will never, ever, leave you alone. Beware - they will take advantage of you at every turn.

Unfortunately, this book didn't sell too well. I think, to date, only 4 copies have sold. So over 170 years only 4 people (and not my family) thought it was an interesting enough topic to spend their money on. But where are all the people who ask me these questions? I guess they'd rather get the free advice from the internet instead of spend 4 cents.

If I were to write an updated 2010 edition of my book, I would have to include the following example of what it's really like to be friends with dead authors. Obviously we all know about Chaucer's poking issues, but here's another example of what it's like to be friends with Shakespeare. I just think it's fair to represent these frenemies with all honesty so that no one feels cheated and demands their 4 cents back.

Phone call, 3am Monday:

Shakespeare: Heyyyyy...

Me: What? What time is it?

Shakespeare: Whatcha doin'?

Me: Sleeping.

Shakespeare: Oh.

(Long Pause)

Shakespeare: So did you see the Celtics play?

Me: It's not basketball season.

Shakespeare: I mean in '72.

Me: 1572?

Shakespeare: Maybe...

(Long Pause)

Me: So I'm going to go.

Shakespeare: Wait...

Me: Why don't you call Chaucer?

Shakespeare: Um...

Me: I'm sure he's up.

Shakespeare: (whispers) He's creepy.

Me: You don't have to whisper, he can't hear you.

Shakespeare: (whispers) He hears everything...

Me: Okay, I'm going. Good night.

Pandas and the History of the World

I was relaying this story at work the other day and I was shocked about how many people were not familiar with the history of the world and how pandas contributed. It all started with a little book that came across my desk and turned into the most shocking discovery that changed life as we knew it.

Okay, so that's a little melodramatic, especially since I already knew the story and the only thing that probably changed for my co-workers when I told them the story was that they thought I was a little bit crazier than they had previously considered. But, to continue my mission to educate the masses, I will tell all of you readers the story of:

Pandas

and

the History of the World!

One time, a long time ago, the world was overrun by these guys:

The Tyrannosaurus Rex was a lazy creature who loved drugs, rock and roll, and HOT, HOT,

Temperatures.

One creature who didn't enjoy this lifestyle was the panda:

Pandas were peace loving creatures but after years of the tyranny of the T-Rex, the pandas got angry. The heat was unbearable. They tried to shave their fur but that just led to a lot of uncomfortable moments around the water cooler and lots of sexual harassment suits. Eventually their anger produced a new type of panda.

The red panda:

This tiny panda contained so much rage and angry that its fur became red, but being even smaller than the black and white pandas, this panda had to just stew in its own anger until the great Panda revolt of 65 million years ago.

Pandas had forgotten their long history of Kung Fu skills and took to the streets, quickly eradicating the T-Rex.

With Pandas in charge of the Earth, their first act was to begin the final Ice Age:

After the Ice Age, Earth became what it is today. The only legacy left behind from this historic event is millions of fossils and tiny, angry, red pandas:

Oh yes, he will eat your eyes after he finishes his cucumber sandwich.

Shakespeare and I don't get along much.

There's no refuting that, but there is one fellow I get along with even less.

Chaucer.

And I wanted to clear the air about some things dealing with my relationship with Chaucer. See, Chaucer and I go way back, even further back than my frienemieship with Shakespeare (which I must say for those readers who do not believe that time runs in a line). We shared some stories, found out how obnoxious the other one was and then began a long feud. The best work he created during that feud The Canterbury Tales the best work I created during that feud This Blog.

Why do Chaucer and I conflict? Well, I don't care for him because he thinks he just sooooo funny when it's obvious that I'm the witty one in our frenemieship. Why doesn't he like me? Because I'm a woman. But he was kind enough to craft the character of the Wife of Bath after me; or was that just him in drag, he's never really been clear on the subject. Either way, we've spent the last 700 years or so trying our best not to outdo the other in all aspects of life and it's proven to be more detrimental than helpful. Well, for his career at least. I think he'd be more productive in the writing department if he wasn't sneaking around my house at all hours trying to interrupt my sleep with his dumb puns and out right bad impressions of 14th century pilgrims. Why I ever decided to let him room with me, I'll never know...

For those of you like me that just skim text and look at photos, here are some pictures I've gathered of Chaucer over the years:

Chaucer pokes me while I'm sleeping:

Chaucer pokes himself while I'm sleeping:

Chaucer pokes me, while on a horse, while I'm sleeping:

Chaucer and Me, Best Roomies Ever!:

Snow Days

Day three of snowy mornings driving to work. No fun.

Thinking about writing; realising that the reason I can't let this blog die is the same thing that makes me a writer. Even in down times, periods where I'm not writing, I still get a pretty constant barrage of story ideas. This consistent nagging is what keeps me writing, so down times don't end up being forever, eventually I get back into writing because I just have to many ideas to ignore. The same follows for this blog, I keep coming back because I keep getting ideas for posts. Sure, these first couple haven't been so great, and maybe they won't be overwhelmingly helpful to writers, but maybe someone will get something out of them; and, for me, the nagging is quieted a little bit longer so I can focus on work and school and my anxiety about driving in snow.

What's Better Than Mellow Hot Chocolate?

Nothing.

But here are some CDs that I've come across recently which have helped my writing muse and might nudge yours along as well (if you're into that sort of thing).

Bryn Terfel : Scarborough Fair - Songs from the British Isles

This is an interesting collection of traditional folk and celtic songs preformed by classically trained opera singer Bryn Terfel. He has a rich, deep voice which brings a new level of enchanment to some old tunes.

Niahm Parsons: Blackbirds and Thrushes

I first heard Niahm on an internet radio station and decided to look up any CD I could at the library and have a listen. I think she has a very "homey" feel to her voice, like a sibling or friend singing to us and her song choices completely fit with her sound and her style.


The Cast: The Winnowing



If I haven't raved about this before, I must now and again and again. I first heard this group on the radio show Thistle and Shammrock, and I've been in love with their work ever since. These two preformers need very little to make wonderful art as their insturments and vocals prove.


Other than listening to these CDs, here's what else is in my 6 CD changer right now:

Tori Amos: Under the Pink

One of Tori's first CDs, this is an interesting compilation of soulful lyrics and moving piano work. Not too abstract like some of her later work, this CD has songs that you connect with on an emotional level but also on a aesthetic level.

Collective Soul: Collective Soul

Their most recent CD and possibly their best yet. This band has put out numerous CDs since the 1990s some were hits, some were misses, but with this one they've found their stride. Utilizing strong guitar work, clever lyrics and great "power" ballads, Collective Soul has returned to some of their early sounds and has created a new CD that has definite replayability.


Lady Ga Ga: The Fame Monster [Deluxe Edition]
This set contains Lady Ga Ga's first and second CD. I haven't listen to the entirety of the first CD more than once yet, because my player keeps magically getting stuck on 'repeate' when Bad Romance plays, hmm...I should look into that. Anyways, the lyrics aren't always great but if you want to get up and move, Ga Ga will get you there.

Vday Treats

Why Beat a Dead Horse?

Is my long awaited return upon us?

Who am I talking to?

What 'us' am I trying to establish?

Where have I been?

Why haven't I been posting?

Who is actually reading this?

Who cares?

So many valid questions.

So few made up answers I can offer.

All I can say, is that after a six month or so hiatus, I thought I would give up on this blog, but it seems that some things refuse to die. I guess I just haven't smeared myself all over the internet enough yet.

My original vision for this blog was to create a commentary on writing and reading fantasy and science fiction; over time the blog has become more about my often humorous musings. I worried that I was tricking people into expecting a more high brow blog, but then they got my comedy of errors instead. This, coupled with the lack of general interest, stalled and eventually killed the beast.

But, as I said, the ghost of the blogs past has been haunting my mind, and instead of filling it with beautiful music like the phantom of the opera, I'm just left with funny things that only I get to enjoy. I think I've finally broken down, and decided that I'll begin sharing these humorous thoughts with the world again. It won't be the same rigidly structured blog as before, my posts will be sporadic but hopefully will still be often enough. All I know, is that I have a lot of comedic gold that I should share instead of hording it like a scrooge. It's just like George S. Kaufman and Moss Hart said: You can't take it with you, but you can leave it on the internet for future generations.