Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Isn't It Odd?

So I was at the bookstore the other day and I noticed the book of short stories by Richard Matheson (a speculative fiction god? Perhaps. Not sure? Check out all the other amazing things he's written like I Am Legend, What Dreams May Come, Somewhere In Time) that contains the story Button, Button which the movie The Box is based on. Both have the same premise: a couple is offered a button to fix their woes BUT pushing the button will result in the death of a complete stranger. Ultimately, the couple must choose if their souls can take on the weight of the death of another person. Here is a picture of the cover of the book of short stories by Matheson:

Here is a 150% close up of the button: Here is a 1000% close up of the button:Interesting how that looks just like Staples' Easy Button. Remember the commercials; work getting crazy? Too much to do and not enough time? Too incompetent to change the ink cartridge in the copier? Just get an easy button and Staples will do it for you. What they actually do, is sell you overpriced office supplies and expect you to still put your newly purchased expensive ink in your still impossible to navigate copier. BUT what they didn't tell you, is that every time you push the button someone dies.

That's why you should always read the small print and asterisked stuff OR you might get conned into paying 4.99, thinking your getting office help, and really instigating widespread manslaughter in Monaco.

And consider what happens when the button seemingly does nothing to help you, how many times will you hit it in frustration only to end up with the blood of millions on your hands? Blood, which is a color not much different than the color of the easy button. Coincidence? I think not.

Lastly, if you still don't believe that this easy button is really a death button, why is it that Staples suggests body bags as a possible additional purchase for your cheap easy button?

Friday, March 26, 2010

Where Does the Time Go?

So I realized that you can give me a cute picture of pretty much anything and I can make it soooooo uncute, usually by utilizing "scare" tactics.

Here's a cute picture found online and sent to my by my sister:

Adorable kitten cuddles with newfound puppy. How sweet.
Bring in my handiwork and a few comments later we get this gem:

As I was editing this in paintshop (which is very limited in its ability to morph photos into new comedic masterpieces) I hit the combination of ctrl-i in an attempt to italicize the word KILL, because I thought that would be funnier. Instead it morphed the photo into a new element dragging it out of the realm of cute and into the realm of terror.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Clearing the Air.

In the past, I've been asked if I've met Sherlock Holmes. I always have replied: "No, because he doesn't exist." After years of enduring the confused looks, angry reactions, and mournful tears, I've finally decided to come out with the truth. Yes, I have met Sherlock, we've met on a dozen occasions. He's been to my house and played with my cats and we were in a cribbage club together for a short period in the 20s.

As a general rule, Sherlock enjoys being out of the spotlight and he enjoys having people believe that he is merely fictional. Every once in a while a Sherlock sighting has him popping back up in books, movies or on TV, quite like Big Foot or the Loch Ness Monster. The only person who does better to elude the general public is Sherlock's brother Mycroft. I met him once, probably the laziest person I ever met, but he's pretty interesting, being that he's the first computer ever created. Yes, he is a robot. Sherlock is not, in case you were wondering. Family history shows that Mycroft (which oddly sounds like Microsoft?) has been in the family for many years, with few who know his actual origins. Some suspect he was made by DaVinci himself, fled Italy for the great moors of England, inspired Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, and ended up in the hands of the ever thoughtful and generous Holmes family. Although I tend to think that, due to some wiring errors, what actually occurred, was that someone told Mycroft to 'Get a home' or some variation of that idea and he came across a Holmes and found himself in accordance with the command and ultimately never left his Holmes, and eventually the family adopted him as their own. It's also believed, by some, that he inspired the idea of C3PO in the Star Wars tales.

But back to Sherlock, he's a relatively friendly fellow, always willing to have a good spirited debate. Yes, my status as the foremost bear fighter and wrestler in the U.S. has made me an intriguing opponent in Sherlock's desire to fist fight every moving creature, but I have yet to try my luck against him. Especially since I don't want to hurt him.

Also, just to be clear, Sherlock and Dr. Watson are not romantically entangled. It's always been a societal rule that strong women must be questioned about their sexual orientation; but now with the outing of Dumbledore, everyone questions strong and independent men on their orientation, because obviously guys who are "great catches" and still single haven't met the right guy yet. Ultimately, sleuthing is very time consuming and doesn't lead to meeting many women, although some do argue that Sherlock and Watson are the reincarnations of Xena and Gabrielle, and since we know their relationship was ambiguous, then obviously we must question Sherlock and Watson's relationship as well. But I stand by my statement, they aren't together, Watson is totally into women.

My only real qualm with Sherlock, and probably why we don't hang out more often, is his need to make everything into a mystery. This often lands us in jail for prowling, peeping and the occasional aggravated assault which occurs when you have a guy in 19th century clothes and 19th century mindset, walking around and not understanding that he can't duel for his honor every time someone makes fun of him. Personally, I only like landing in jail once a century, so Sherlock and I don't get together much.

There you have it, I've lied but now I've come clean. Just do me a favor and if you see me in the bushes outside of your house with a guy in oldsy detective gear and a pipe, don't shoot, we're just looking for clues; sexy, sexy, outside your bedroom window clues.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

If You Ever Wondered

About how ignorant and careless Americans are, this says it all:

I don't care who made up the drink name, it's severely offensive and shows how ridiculous and unthoughtful Americans can be.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Kids Are Screaming Outside

Because it's nice out, and when the weather is nice you are allowed, by law, to be crazy. This also applies to full moons.
Considering being outside instead of inside watching the TV or surfing the net, it reminds me of a pact I made with myself. I realized that there are 3 things that consume my time: Work, Sleep, TV. I can't do a lot about work, since I have to pay my bills, and sleeping is also a bit essential (although I could probably sleep less) but TV (while it is good to have entertainment in your life) is a big waste sometimes (most of the time really). So I've made a pact to try out not watching TV and see how much other stuff I can get done. So far, this is what it's been like:


Work: 9-5:30pm

Nap: 6-8:30pm

Prepare Dinner/wash dishes: 8:45-9:20pm

Eat dinner/unfortunately watch TV: 9:20pm-10pm

Read Bless Me Ultima: 10-11pm

Talk on phone: 11-11:30pm

Go to Bed: 11:30pm

Okay, so I wasn't able to not watch TV, this was due to 2 problems. 1st, I live alone and watching TV is what I do when I eat because it's easier than staring at the wall. 2nd, I have the habit of watching TV which is hard to break. Luckily I only watched 40 minutes instead of my usual 2-3hrs a night, unfortunately it was 40 minutes of 20/20 Bachelor (tv show) expose (accent on the 'e'). When TV watching boils down to viewing anything that is on just to not do other things then you know it's got to go.

I'm hoping that by getting rid of my TV habit, I'll be able to do more things like read more, write more and ultimately complete more with my life than the people who waste away infront of the boobtube. Maybe someday, I'll be one of those crazy people who doesn't have a TV in the living room, or at the least I'll hide one in a cabinet so that the temptation is hidden away and other, more important aspects of life, will take up my time.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Who Needs Friends When You've Got Dead Authors?

People as me how it is that I have such great relationships with famous and often dead authors; many think the answer is found only after computing a complex algorithm containing many variables. But really it's quite simple, I even wrote a book about it back in 1836.

Here are a few excerpts:

From Chapter 1: "Dead" is just a state of mind, usually the state of your mind, while these "dead" authors prefer to consider themselves very much alive. Once you can accept that they are never truly dead (as long as their work lives on and all that junk) then you'll be more likely to be comfortable striking up a conversation with one such author.

From Chapter 2: Read the author's work. Nothing impresses them more. Luckily I went to a public school where they forced me (usually while kicking and screaming) to read these authors and once you know their work it's less awkward talking to them at meetups or on the street corner (unless either of you are currently moonlighting as hookers, then it's still awkward).

From Chapter 6: Have your own ideas and opinions. Authors love stealing these even if they are not currently publishing; one never knows when one will be on top of the world again and when they'll have to use someone else's work and ideas to keep their seat as the king of the publishing mountain.

From Chapter 9: Always be approachable. Along with the concept of ridding yourself of the notion of "death" or "dead" authors, you must also be ready to be approached by one of these authors and be ready for a friendship. These people are very particular, lonely and needy, if you seek them out they will never, ever, leave you alone. Beware - they will take advantage of you at every turn.

Unfortunately, this book didn't sell too well. I think, to date, only 4 copies have sold. So over 170 years only 4 people (and not my family) thought it was an interesting enough topic to spend their money on. But where are all the people who ask me these questions? I guess they'd rather get the free advice from the internet instead of spend 4 cents.

If I were to write an updated 2010 edition of my book, I would have to include the following example of what it's really like to be friends with dead authors. Obviously we all know about Chaucer's poking issues, but here's another example of what it's like to be friends with Shakespeare. I just think it's fair to represent these frenemies with all honesty so that no one feels cheated and demands their 4 cents back.

Phone call, 3am Monday:

Shakespeare: Heyyyyy...

Me: What? What time is it?

Shakespeare: Whatcha doin'?

Me: Sleeping.

Shakespeare: Oh.

(Long Pause)

Shakespeare: So did you see the Celtics play?

Me: It's not basketball season.

Shakespeare: I mean in '72.

Me: 1572?

Shakespeare: Maybe...

(Long Pause)

Me: So I'm going to go.

Shakespeare: Wait...

Me: Why don't you call Chaucer?

Shakespeare: Um...

Me: I'm sure he's up.

Shakespeare: (whispers) He's creepy.

Me: You don't have to whisper, he can't hear you.

Shakespeare: (whispers) He hears everything...

Me: Okay, I'm going. Good night.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Pandas and the History of the World

I was relaying this story at work the other day and I was shocked about how many people were not familiar with the history of the world and how pandas contributed. It all started with a little book that came across my desk and turned into the most shocking discovery that changed life as we knew it.
Okay, so that's a little melodramatic, especially since I already knew the story and the only thing that probably changed for my co-workers when I told them the story was that they thought I was a little bit crazier than they had previously considered. But, to continue my mission to educate the masses, I will tell all of you readers the story of:

the History of the World!

One time, a long time ago, the world was overrun by these guys:

The Tyrannosaurus Rex was a lazy creature who loved drugs, rock and roll, and HOT, HOT,


One creature who didn't enjoy this lifestyle was the panda:

Pandas were peace loving creatures but after years of the tyranny of the T-Rex, the pandas got angry. The heat was unbearable. They tried to shave their fur but that just led to a lot of uncomfortable moments around the water cooler and lots of sexual harassment suits. Eventually their anger produced a new type of panda.

The red panda:

This tiny panda contained so much rage and angry that its fur became red, but being even smaller than the black and white pandas, this panda had to just stew in its own anger until the great Panda revolt of 65 million years ago.

Pandas had forgotten their long history of Kung Fu skills and took to the streets, quickly eradicating the T-Rex.

With Pandas in charge of the Earth, their first act was to begin the final Ice Age:

After the Ice Age, Earth became what it is today. The only legacy left behind from this historic event is millions of fossils and tiny, angry, red pandas:

Oh yes, he will eat your eyes after he finishes his cucumber sandwich.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Shakespeare and I don't get along much.

There's no refuting that, but there is one fellow I get along with even less.


And I wanted to clear the air about some things dealing with my relationship with Chaucer. See, Chaucer and I go way back, even further back than my frienemieship with Shakespeare (which I must say for those readers who do not believe that time runs in a line). We shared some stories, found out how obnoxious the other one was and then began a long feud. The best work he created during that feud The Canterbury Tales the best work I created during that feud This Blog.

Why do Chaucer and I conflict? Well, I don't care for him because he thinks he just sooooo funny when it's obvious that I'm the witty one in our frenemieship. Why doesn't he like me? Because I'm a woman. But he was kind enough to craft the character of the Wife of Bath after me; or was that just him in drag, he's never really been clear on the subject. Either way, we've spent the last 700 years or so trying our best not to outdo the other in all aspects of life and it's proven to be more detrimental than helpful. Well, for his career at least. I think he'd be more productive in the writing department if he wasn't sneaking around my house at all hours trying to interrupt my sleep with his dumb puns and out right bad impressions of 14th century pilgrims. Why I ever decided to let him room with me, I'll never know...

For those of you like me that just skim text and look at photos, here are some pictures I've gathered of Chaucer over the years:
Chaucer pokes me while I'm sleeping:

Chaucer pokes himself while I'm sleeping:

Chaucer pokes me, while on a horse, while I'm sleeping:
Chaucer and Me, Best Roomies Ever!: