Friday, March 19, 2010

Clearing the Air.

In the past, I've been asked if I've met Sherlock Holmes. I always have replied: "No, because he doesn't exist." After years of enduring the confused looks, angry reactions, and mournful tears, I've finally decided to come out with the truth. Yes, I have met Sherlock, we've met on a dozen occasions. He's been to my house and played with my cats and we were in a cribbage club together for a short period in the 20s.

As a general rule, Sherlock enjoys being out of the spotlight and he enjoys having people believe that he is merely fictional. Every once in a while a Sherlock sighting has him popping back up in books, movies or on TV, quite like Big Foot or the Loch Ness Monster. The only person who does better to elude the general public is Sherlock's brother Mycroft. I met him once, probably the laziest person I ever met, but he's pretty interesting, being that he's the first computer ever created. Yes, he is a robot. Sherlock is not, in case you were wondering. Family history shows that Mycroft (which oddly sounds like Microsoft?) has been in the family for many years, with few who know his actual origins. Some suspect he was made by DaVinci himself, fled Italy for the great moors of England, inspired Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, and ended up in the hands of the ever thoughtful and generous Holmes family. Although I tend to think that, due to some wiring errors, what actually occurred, was that someone told Mycroft to 'Get a home' or some variation of that idea and he came across a Holmes and found himself in accordance with the command and ultimately never left his Holmes, and eventually the family adopted him as their own. It's also believed, by some, that he inspired the idea of C3PO in the Star Wars tales.

But back to Sherlock, he's a relatively friendly fellow, always willing to have a good spirited debate. Yes, my status as the foremost bear fighter and wrestler in the U.S. has made me an intriguing opponent in Sherlock's desire to fist fight every moving creature, but I have yet to try my luck against him. Especially since I don't want to hurt him.

Also, just to be clear, Sherlock and Dr. Watson are not romantically entangled. It's always been a societal rule that strong women must be questioned about their sexual orientation; but now with the outing of Dumbledore, everyone questions strong and independent men on their orientation, because obviously guys who are "great catches" and still single haven't met the right guy yet. Ultimately, sleuthing is very time consuming and doesn't lead to meeting many women, although some do argue that Sherlock and Watson are the reincarnations of Xena and Gabrielle, and since we know their relationship was ambiguous, then obviously we must question Sherlock and Watson's relationship as well. But I stand by my statement, they aren't together, Watson is totally into women.

My only real qualm with Sherlock, and probably why we don't hang out more often, is his need to make everything into a mystery. This often lands us in jail for prowling, peeping and the occasional aggravated assault which occurs when you have a guy in 19th century clothes and 19th century mindset, walking around and not understanding that he can't duel for his honor every time someone makes fun of him. Personally, I only like landing in jail once a century, so Sherlock and I don't get together much.

There you have it, I've lied but now I've come clean. Just do me a favor and if you see me in the bushes outside of your house with a guy in oldsy detective gear and a pipe, don't shoot, we're just looking for clues; sexy, sexy, outside your bedroom window clues.

No comments: