Sunday, October 31, 2010


In honor of the holiday, I'll say a few words.

I don't like Halloween. Maybe this makes me one of the minority, but I have my reasons.

1. Free candy. Why do I want to hand out candy to kids who have done nothing for me? Maybe, if each kid raked a few leaves in my yard as they made their way either up to my porch or back down from it, I would consider giving them free candy. I'd be more inclined to see them work first, as many would probably run away with candy in hand if I let them rake after they got their candy. Frankly, I don't think many kids would even stop by my place if I was standing in the yard with a rake over my head screaming: "Work for your candy, you ingrates!" That scene might actually get me kicked out of the neighborhood...

2. I don't like to be scared. I grew up in a household in a very scary household that taught you to be always on the defense, so why in the world would I want to go out in the world and have strangers provoke me?

3. Costumes are always a let down. Either they fail in presentation, or other people don't get it and you feel stupid having chosen an unrecognizable costume. I guess it has to do with audience, wearing a phantom of the opera costume to the library probably wasn't going to get a whole lot of recognition by school children. But, in my defense, they also didn't recognize the costume of Indiana Jones or Ash Ketchum. I think the kids might be slow, obviously there is nothing wrong with my costuming abilities.

4. I'm not a party person. I enjoy quiet nights at home. I don't go out much and I don't do a lot, so why would I be interested in an evening just for partying and "getting crazy"? I like to keep my pride, my friends and my possessions intact, I don't care how funny the story would be years to come when everyone remembers that one Halloween when my house got vandalized, I beat up my best friend in a drunken rage and there were pictures all over the net documenting all of it including my wardrobe malfunction.

5. Traditionally, Halloweens are crappy for me. Like the one Halloween when a girl cut across the parking lot in broad daylight and slammed into my car? Yeah, like that.

In defense of the holiday, I have had at least one good Halloween. One year, my sister was coming out to help hand out candy, and I said to my sister, "I hope we have a lot of Halloweeners" and she heard "Hollow wieners" and she brought a bunch of hot dogs that she had personally hollowed out the centers of. Luckily, they didn't go to waste, as we filled them with highly processed cheese and had a feast.

The best part of that story is that to have a fun Halloween experience, I have to make it up. Good times.

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