Thursday, December 9, 2010

I'm an Expert!

I've often had people say to me: "Jenny, just to name a few areas you're an expert on, such as everything historical, everything fantastical, everything mythical, and everything humorous. Is there anything you're not an expert on?"

I always respond with a resounding and definitive: "No."

That being said, they then want me to answer numerous questions about dozens of random topics and finally I got sick of it. I now direct people to my books:

Here are some excerpts from the 112 book series.

On Art
While I can appreciate the bright patchwork of Henri Matisse's paintings, with their strict boundaries; I often prefer the fluid images, with deeper hues in the works by Franz Marc.

On Bamboo
While a tasty treat for both humans and their panda bear counterparts, bamboo is also used in both construction and weaponry as proven in many films starring Jackie Chan.

On Carpentry
Traditionally, Amish carpentry has been regaled for it's brilliance and durability, but few know about the magic behind their artistry. The Amish, usually, do not use electricity. This means everything must be hand crafted, or at least all tools are man powered. But there is no magic in man-powered means, so how do they make these magical? Cow farts. I know it sounds gross, but when you have to finish a product and sun light is getting dim, and your candles are only so bright, how do you illuminate your work area? Cow farts in a jar. It's really just the methane gas ignited, but it sounds better when you say cow farts. And that bit of ignited gas creates a magic that can be felt and smelled in every piece of Amish carpentry.

On Dolphins
Most people see the intelligence and cute chirping as evidence that Dolphins are not only sentient but are kind as well. Those people are highly unaware of the vicious dolphin attacks perpetrated against humans on a daily basis. These under water "friends" maintain a highly active network of crime, debauchery and violence and will stop at nothing to destroy life as we know it. Also shredded bits of Dolphin in your tuna can make tuna tastier.

On Protractors
Many people know that protractors date back to ancient times and are used for building, in navigation and astronomy. Few people know that the Protractor, when sharpened is quite the weapon and was used as the initial blade in the original Guillotine. The rounded design was later ditched for an angled blade that we still see used today.

On ProTractors
Group of farmers that pushed for the invention and use of tractors at the turn of the century. Typically staunch animal rights activists who felt that a horse's or cattle's place was in the kitchen baking instead of in the field working.

Personally, I find it hard to get through any text without ample images to keep my interest intact. Therefore, I've included a plethora of photographs, diagrams and drawings similar to the one pictured below:

On fire

Frankly, it's probably too much to ask of people who want my answers to read these books instead of just using the google, but I know that when the Internet finally dies, my books will remain and be the only source of knowledge for the human race (eat that World Book Encyclopedia!)


Cultural Laureate, Cecilia said...

Using "The Google". You are so elderly!

Amanda said...

ROTFL...okay maybe just L. Here's hoping I can still ask you about stuff long after I lose my eyesight and can't read anymore.