Tuesday, June 1, 2010

How to Survive a Bearshark Attack

Since I'm an expert on mythological creatures (mythological meaning creatures most people want to believe exist only in fairytales and nightmares), I've been asked to explain what to do in case of a bearshark attack.

First, let me explain what a bearshark is. Full bear, full shark, this monstrosity has been described as a land, water and air (when the bear throws the shark) predatory. Usually seen as unstoppable, I'm here to break the myth.

How did the bearshark come to be? There are disputes on the origins of the bearshark, but to me it's obvious. The enemy of my enemy is my friend is a commonplace saying in both the bear and shark community so it was only a matter of time before these two creatures joined forces against their common enemy: humans. Originally this allegiance was formed to protect their families and their homeland, but both of these creatures are coldblooded killers so while their agenda is based in protection they ultimately fall into war paths of death and destruction.

How a bear chooses his shark and vice versa involves a very interesting courtship and bonding ceremony. It begins with a 3 month trial with at least one kill witnessed by each so that they can gauge whether or not their killing styles match or are cohesive. They also take several family trips to see if their families get along since the bear and shark in question will be spending a lot of time together once they become a bearshark team. If after 3 months they are satisfied, then they say their vows, to protect their families and homes and to take out as many SOBs as they can before they die.

There is no known way to kill both the bear and shark in a bearshark predator, but these two events can help you to flee with your life and limbs still intact. To survive an attack from this monster is very similar to how you would survive a robot attack.

Bears sweat a lot and they don't like it. Since a volcano is the sweatiest place on earth, if you can run to a volcano when being attacked you are sure to get away from the bearshark. When the bearshark follows, the bear will sweat too much to want to fight. Also, the heat will dry up the shark and subsequently kill it. "Isn't this killing the bearshark?" You ask. No. because after the bear is finished eating his toasty old partner he will go out and find a new one.

Slip and Slide
A slip and slide is one of the easiest ways to escape a bearshark attack - if you can find one. If you can trick a bearshark to go onto a slip and slide it will slip and slide down the track and be too confused to chase you. If there are children using the slip and slide then it's even better because if the bearshark does come to its senses quickly it will attack the children as you flee.

Box of Kittens
Tossing a box of kittens IS NOT a viable option to escape a bearshark. This will only enrage the monster because bears love kittens and would hate to see them harmed. If you toss a box of kittens at a bearshark you are pretty much ensuring your death at the claws, fins and teeth of the bearshark. The bearshark will hunt you down. I have seen this mistake happen too many times, take my word for it. I know you'll be walking past a pet store and a bearshark will come around the corner and you'll think: "Look at that box of kittens over there.If I just toss this box of kittens it'll distract it enough so I can get away." This is a huge error in judgement. I cannot stress this enough. I knew a guy who tossed kittens at a bearshark and while we were hanging out together later someone knocked on the door and it was the BEARSHARK back for revenge! He died. It was horrible. I still have nightmares about it. So believe me when I say do not toss kittens at a bearshark.


Anonymous said...



you make some valid points, but in the end the fact of the matter is there's just no beating a bearshark!!!