Zombie Attacks - Are You Ready?

Most people are not ready for raptor attacks and even less people are ready for zombie attacks. A zombie emergency kit (or ZEK) is very important; being prepared can make the difference between keeping your brains and losing them. With that said, here are the elements for a basic ZEK:

Let there be Light!

Every good ZEK must contain a flashlight. When the world goes to the zombies who do you think will be running the power plants? No one. It would be good to have one of those flashlights that runs on kinetic energy, so you can just shake and glow, especially since batteries can take up way too much space and weight in your ZEK. No matter what type of flashlight you get, also consider the size of the flashlight, because it may need to double as a weapon, and if you have a kinetic flashlight, every time you pummel a zombie the light will get brighter, just something to take into consideration.

FUDZ, Not Brains.

The next thing your ZEK needs is bottled water and protein bars. You can't stock up on canned food because the scent from your beans and franks might attract zombies or wild animals. Protein/nutrition bars will keep you alive even though your taste buds might die from eatting these long term.

Weapons Are For Everyone!

The discussion of weapons is a long one but I'll try to keep it succinct. With weapons you must be practical. Will you really be able to find and carry a bunch of gas for your chainsaw or flame thrower? Also, making your own weapons is a plus, even though you can go down to the Zombie Surplus Store, if you make your own weapons you can only blame yourself when they break and you die. A final note on weapons is that your weapons must be your babies. You must keep them sharp, keep them loaded and love them more than your own mother.

My school of thought on zombie weapons is to have a long range and a short range weapon.

My choicest weapons include:

Shot gun (obviously). Not only can you blow a hole through a zombie but the gun powder in your shells can be used to cauterize wounds.

Gigantic Crow Bar. A good rule of thumb is to have a crowbar that is about the same size as your shot gun. It gives you a good area to swing with, while keeping you out of arms length and the sharp points on the crowbar is good for severing spinal cords.

Other weapons that have been suggested:

As said before chainsaws and flame throwers are options, but you have to consider the amount of gasoline you'll need for these weapons.

Axes are good along with any swords you can find laying around.

Crossbows, and regular bows can be useful, although you'll have to be a really good shot for your arrow to do much damage to the living dead.

Some weapons that aren't so effective are chains, butter knives, steak knives, rubber band guns, pea shooters, glue guns, bear traps, fly traps, bees, pens (they really aren't mightier than swords when used against zombies).

A final weapon that can be homemade and maybe be quite kickass is of my sister's design. I'm not sure what to call it (made from a four socketed tire iron and knives) but maybe the photo will speak for itself:
Overall, a ZEK includes many of your basics and may include some optional items like a radio, leather (to wear) and board games since zombie takeovers usually end up in a waiting game and as you wait why not play candy land and chutes and ladders?

Finally!

Years of waiting and finally it's happened. I told all y'all, and no one believed me until some hackers brought out the truth:



Whatcha going to do now? All I knows, is that I've got my rifle and my crowbar ready! I do appreciate their use of "caution" instead of "Run You Mother Truckers!" (Maybe that's why many people still don't believe the message - it wasn't urgent enough or Samuel L. Jackson enough).

And just incase you didn't understand the first construction sign message, the hackers were nice enough to send this message too:


Pride is a terrible thing to waste, so stop being mad because you didn't see it coming. Don't be angry because I was right (like always). Haters have tasty brains - so you better stop hatin' or the zombies will get you first.

Excuses

So I've been away, apparently hunting down time traveling perps gets busy during the holidays. And I guess it will continue to be time consuming (in more ways than one) for a bit of a while yet, so I'm going to leave you with a little tid-bit and hopefully by the beginning of next year I'll be able to drop some more knowledge on y'all about writing, reading and living in a world of fantasy.

I've got a beautiful holiday story for everyone. This should be told to many children, preferably at once (so they don't spoil the goodness of the tale), and hopefully on the night before Christmas:

Title: Here is the ultimate reason why you don't want to be left behind when the Rapture occurs.
(Don't worry I'm not a fanatic, this is just something that came to me in the quiet time between being awake and being asleep, call it a prophecy if you will, although I must insist I am not a religious fanatic I am just a fan of humor and I think this story is funny).

Okay, so you're sitting around one day, let's say you're at work and then everyone disappears, except for you. Apparently it's the Rapture and you've been left behind. Instead of getting upset, you decide that this is what you've always been waiting for, ultimate reign over the earth. First, you must commandeer an abandoned S.U.V. this will allow you the flexibility to drive around all of the other abandoned vehicles on the street and make it to your nearest supermarket to get supplies. These supplies are actually lots and lots of food, because you are a glutton and that is why you've been left behind. While you are driving to the store you come upon the first of other creatures who have turned away from God. It's a Tyrannosaurus Rex. You think you've outwitted him, and you still feel confident that being left behind is the best thing ever but as you get to your local food depot you find that the automatic doors have been unwittingly mastered by a raptor. The only option for you is to ram your way into the store with your S.U.V. and run over the raptor - about 15 times to make sure he's dead (filling the front end of your auto with raptor guts which really increase your appetite as they cook on the hot metal engine) and drive on, expecting more dinos to appear as they catch the smell of blood. You drive down each aisle and just roll down your window for your supplies and make your way out of the store with lots of food, a little bit of extra clothing and other various supplies. You drive home to your small apartment, rush your stuff into the building and begin removing doors within your apartment to barricade your windows, you know it's going to be a long haul, and you want to be safe until the very end. By nightfall, and 2 packages of Oreos later, you hear something outside your window, you check to see what it is through a very small crack in your barricade. It's not a dinosaur, but another one of God's forsaken, a zombie. Luckily you've blocked yourself in, but for how long can you survive? As you consider which is worse, death by dino or death by zombie another creature appears outside. An alien, zapping zombies left and right, he's come to take you to his planet where you will become his lifelong slave. Now, I ask, why couldn't you just love God like everyone else?