Being Sick

No body likes a cry baby. Even crying babies don't like themselves (why do you think they cry so much - stop with the self hate baby!). But I have to complain, it's in my nature. I don't complain too often, unless I know you well, then you get to hear about it all the time.

I like to spare my readers from my usual whinyness, but today is an exception to the rule. I feel horrible. Stuck at work until 7:15pm only to come back tomorrow for another 6 hrs :( I've got some sort of throat cold, which seems to be moving into my chest. I hate sore throats, it's like don't they understand that most people can't just quit living for a week while they get better? If only I had a robotic machine that spoke for me, then maybe I'd feel a little better. The only thing worse than the pain of a sore throat is the taste, it's like something is dying in my mouth over and over again. I can only imagine what other people must think if they happen to smell my breath (Did you eat 2 week old dead skunk again? I know it looks tasty on the side of the road, but really...).

So with the throat and chest pain, the nausea, the fever and the general achiness and discomfort I'm just a barrel of rainbows and cheeky monkies. The last thing I want to do right now is help people with stupid questions (Is the express check the only way to check out anymore? Yes lady, my coworker and I, both stationed at computers under signs that say "check-out" are actually only the bodyguards of the express check out and we're here not to help but only to ensure that you don't blow up the express checkout) and pretend to be nice to people I don't like >:0

Funny Things

So I've felt completely stalled in posting on here especially since a lot of drama has hit the fan and I'm not excited about posting that crap, so I've been waiting for funny things to happen or to come to me so that I can expound on them here. Unfortunately it's been a very unfunny month, so I've only got a few tidbits to drop.

I decided to keep the laughs going (because what's better to get you through tough times than laughing?) and to post some jokes that came out of convos I've recently had. Hopefully you'll find them funny as well.

While working on a google spreadsheet with my sisters, we added a very complex combination of photos with unexpected results. Apparently rainbow + unicorn + kitten + smiling goat + happy cupcakes + taco = atomic bomb. I know what you're thinking, well then why did it take so long for Einstein to create this formula? Well, it's because Einstein didn't believe in unicorns and refused to include them in the formula for many years.

My sister and I were discussing the Styx song Snowblind, which obviously is about cocaine usage. Now, the actual phenomenon of becoming snowblind occurs when you get cocaine powder in your eye. Since cocaine is so expensive, you must lick your own tears or have someone else lick your face to not waste all of that coke. Just fyi. So either never become snowblind (unless you like people licking your face) or stop using the drugs foo!

Michigan History

Often when I'm sharing bits of history, like sprinkles on a delicious cake, people ask my why I don't share more bits of Michigan history. Usually I counter their requests with the truth that there is very little that happens in Michigan and even less that occurred in Michigan's long and boring history. But to allay readers, I will share a small tale of failure and lack of triumph.

As many people have chosen to forget, the Revolutionary War did not result in complete evacuation of British defenses and bullies in the U.S. After roughly 31 years of taking it in the rear, so to speak, the Americans got fed up and decided to duke it out with the British yet again. This prompted the easily distinguishable among other wars, War of 1812. What year was it fought in? 1811, j/k 1812. What year did it end? 1815. Sorry, I'll get back on track.

So in August of 1812, some fine young military men were chillin' at fort Detroit. Just hangin' and doin' as we Michiganders do. Then BAM! the British were upon us! Taken by surprise, with soldiers low and family high (who brings family to a war? Really.) General William Hull declined to fight and surrendered the Fort claiming that the Native American war cries made him afraid for his wife and children. Really. It's been suggested that he might have been heavily drinking prior to the engagement, and he's quoted saying that the Native Americans Indians were “numerous beyond example,” and “more greedy of violence… than the Vikings or Huns." Because he totally met the Vikings and the Huns to compare them to and I think if someone was all up in your business and trying to take your land you'd fight for it too, oh wait not you Billy Hull.

The best part of the entire tale is that Billy Hull was Michigan's first territorial governor in 1805, what a legacy for the state. But to commemorate the event known as the "Siege of Detroit" or what I like to call the Epic failure of one Billy Hull, I made this image:


The best part of this tale is that the surrender of Fort Detroit was the first and only time a U.S. fort has been surrendered to a foreign enemy. I salute you General Hull for believing that no amount of failure was too great to accomplish.

Pop Authors

I know I've talked in the past about some of my most hated "Pop" authors. These are people who write crap fiction just to make money. Similar to pop music, they have a wide fan base and are relatively "successful" in their field because they can ride out waves of popularity. These novels will never become "classics" ( just thinking about a group of literature students reading James Patterson makes me weep) but that doesn't help the self esteem of authors who are attempting to write good and meaningful fiction.

Also, to go back to my old argument about the validity of speculative fiction, I'd like to point out that a lot of speculative fiction, although shunned by "literary buffs" is good and meaningful. Consider Cormac McCarthy's The Road. This is a novel set in the apocalyptic future (sci-fi) but has been met with critical acclaim. There are many authors out there that are making statements with their writing (not just trying to make a buck) but because it's in the genre of speculative fiction it gets overlooked. Consider Octavia E. Butler's Kindred. This is a novel, that if it didn't have the aspect of time travel *gasp* could potentially be considered just as important to Women's literature and African American literature as Beloved and The Color Purple.

Perhaps someday we'll live in a world that can look past genre for merit and look past pop fiction for entertainment.

The Inaccuracies Found In Children's Books

So some people consider me inaccurate, but have you ever read a children's book?

Consider, if you will, this book:

The first seemingly inaccurate thing that caught my eye is the cat over his shoulder.

I didn't think there would be a cat lounging around, so I did some independent research.

Apparently cats like to be on ships and do all sorts of things like kill rodents, predict weather and determine the final voyage of the ship (I learned this from wikipedia, not the book). Drake's ship experience was no exception, and the story relates a time when the ship's cat fell overboard and he was kind enough to save it (if only he had that much compassion while killing hundreds of Spaniards) and I was like "Okay, I can possibly accept that, although no credible source backs that up. I mean, where are the footnotes and experts in this book?" Then the story of saving the cat took another turn that I just didn't think was accurate.

So Drake jumps in to save the cat but the rough waters make it so that someone has to save Drake, so then up comes this guy:

Really? You're telling me that the water skiing squirrel was around in the 1500s and this is the first I'm hearing about it? From a children's book? And he just happened to be riding by. What vehicle was pulling him? A magical water chariot steered by mermaids and pulled by seahorses? Really.

How to Survive a Bearshark Attack

Since I'm an expert on mythological creatures (mythological meaning creatures most people want to believe exist only in fairytales and nightmares), I've been asked to explain what to do in case of a bearshark attack.

First, let me explain what a bearshark is. Full bear, full shark, this monstrosity has been described as a land, water and air (when the bear throws the shark) predatory. Usually seen as unstoppable, I'm here to break the myth.

How did the bearshark come to be? There are disputes on the origins of the bearshark, but to me it's obvious. The enemy of my enemy is my friend is a commonplace saying in both the bear and shark community so it was only a matter of time before these two creatures joined forces against their common enemy: humans. Originally this allegiance was formed to protect their families and their homeland, but both of these creatures are coldblooded killers so while their agenda is based in protection they ultimately fall into war paths of death and destruction.

How a bear chooses his shark and vice versa involves a very interesting courtship and bonding ceremony. It begins with a 3 month trial with at least one kill witnessed by each so that they can gauge whether or not their killing styles match or are cohesive. They also take several family trips to see if their families get along since the bear and shark in question will be spending a lot of time together once they become a bearshark team. If after 3 months they are satisfied, then they say their vows, to protect their families and homes and to take out as many SOBs as they can before they die.

There is no known way to kill both the bear and shark in a bearshark predator, but these two events can help you to flee with your life and limbs still intact. To survive an attack from this monster is very similar to how you would survive a robot attack.

Volcano

Bears sweat a lot and they don't like it. Since a volcano is the sweatiest place on earth, if you can run to a volcano when being attacked you are sure to get away from the bearshark. When the bearshark follows, the bear will sweat too much to want to fight. Also, the heat will dry up the shark and subsequently kill it. "Isn't this killing the bearshark?" You ask. No. because after the bear is finished eating his toasty old partner he will go out and find a new one.

Slip and Slide

A slip and slide is one of the easiest ways to escape a bearshark attack - if you can find one. If you can trick a bearshark to go onto a slip and slide it will slip and slide down the track and be too confused to chase you. If there are children using the slip and slide then it's even better because if the bearshark does come to its senses quickly it will attack the children as you flee.

Box of Kittens

Tossing a box of kittens IS NOT a viable option to escape a bearshark. This will only enrage the monster because bears love kittens and would hate to see them harmed. If you toss a box of kittens at a bearshark you are pretty much ensuring your death at the claws, fins and teeth of the bearshark. The bearshark will hunt you down. I have seen this mistake happen too many times, take my word for it. I know you'll be walking past a pet store and a bearshark will come around the corner and you'll think: "Look at that box of kittens over there.If I just toss this box of kittens it'll distract it enough so I can get away." This is a huge error in judgement. I cannot stress this enough. I knew a guy who tossed kittens at a bearshark and while we were hanging out together later someone knocked on the door and it was the BEARSHARK back for revenge! He died. It was horrible. I still have nightmares about it. So believe me when I say do not toss kittens at a bearshark.